Lasciate Ogni Speranza, Voi Ch'Entrate.

Sun, 27 Apr 2008 22:51:38 GMT

Sun, 23 Mar 2008 15:21:23 GMT

Sun, 23 Mar 2008 15:12:07 GMT

History, 102.

Mon, 10 Mar 2008 02:58:11 GMT

So I've been reading back through a bunch of my old journal entries and came across a comment from a friend that I'm going to post and talk about today:

A piece from Kahlil Gibran's "The Prophet":

"Your Joy is your sorrow unmasked.... The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you contain.... When you are joyous, look deep into your heart and you shall find it is only that which has given you sorrow that is giving you joy."

I paused and re-read it. A few times. Then I started crying.

The obverse of his statement "that which has given you joy is the root of your sorrow" is so much more poignantly true to me and my life. I've been through some shit in my 27 years on this planet. I've been homeless twice. I dropped out of high school. I've had $60k/year jobs, and some years where I made less than $1k. I spent more 2 years ago on computer parts than I had made in income the previous year. I owned an exotic convertible sports car. I've been in more car accidents and -walked away- than most friends who've been in the hospital. I've had more than 10 friends die since high school. Hell, I had 2 friends die -during- high school. I've been in love, who hasn't. I love her still, and it tears me up that I can't be with her. I'm simply not the man that she needs in her life, and I know that in leaving I did more good than hurt. I've come to love someone new since I've been back, and I'm trying to keep hope that things will work. I spent 2 years not talking to my father once. I've spent 2 years not talking to my brother right now, waiting for an apology that he probably doesn't think he owes me. I've spent 5 years now reconnecting with my father and getting to know him as an adult. I'm glad my mother lives out here now, because I missed her when she was so far away. Japan, Micronesia, New Mexico, Alaska, whatever... I'm just glad she's here. I've had 2 step-fathers that I hated as a child. Looking back on it now... I was right. I've dated a completely crazy, bat-shit girl. I've dated completely sane ones that I still talk to. I've got an account on Facebook, MySpace, Tribe.net, Orkut, YouTube, Google, Livejournal and Yahoo. I use all of them regularly. I've learned how to do 3D rendering, but still can't draw a square with a pencil. I've been to Burning Man now for 4 years and am never quitting. Last year was the 15th Ren Faire I've worked, and I'm not quitting that either. The last "real" job I had was in April of 2007. I've kept in contact with people from 10+ years ago from high school. I've written off whole circles of friends in San Francisco.

I am posting this because I want feedback. Even if your feedback is just saying that you read it, I would like to see it. I'd like to know that I am affecting people in a good way. I'd like my family to take some time from their busy anti-Jay lives and realize how badly some of them have failed me. I'd like the others to know how much I appreciate their continuing effect on my life.

Three things of note today:

Sun, 09 Mar 2008 04:08:01 GMT

http://pc.gamespy.com/articles/856/856893p1.html

and

and

Some people...

Thu, 06 Mar 2008 03:53:28 GMT

Creator of D&D dies.

Tue, 04 Mar 2008 20:52:01 GMT

http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/n/a/2008/03/04/national/a103425S84.DTL

Gary Gygax died at age 69 in his home. Saving throw failed and no cleric in sight. He had a huge impact on many people during his life after quitting his shoe repair business to take on the creation of D&D.

My grandparents.

Sat, 09 Feb 2008 01:31:56 GMT

Some of you might remember that my grandparents passed away 2 years ago. My grandmother passed in Jan 06, my grandfather in April 06.
Finally, after much work by my family and three cracked gravestones, the site is completed.

As I said then: I will miss them more than words can ever describe.

Pictures!

Wed, 21 Nov 2007 18:16:13 GMT

Ok, as promised, here's the pictures!

The 'KeeKat' and Tristan get along fine. ;)

(picture removed at request)
Katie, when drunk, is hilarious!

And this morning I woke up to 2" of snow. Here's to life in the cold zone.

(picture removed at request)
Did I mention that Katie was hilarious when drunk?

Work Ethic

Sun, 19 Aug 2007 22:48:47 GMT

So there seems to be a small bit of confusion over my level of work ethic from last night. After I was professional enough to allow Corey and her husband into DNA to start with she apparently (using words from a friend of hers) "ran around the club all night proclaiming her future innocence when she and you (me - Jay) get into it later".

Now... I had no real issue letting them in. I didn't say a single word to either of them. I only touched them both once to put the handstamp on their wrist. I even went so far as to ensure that I wasn't posted inside while they were in the building specifically so I didn't have to deal with -any- sort of drama from this. What it all amounts to is that I went to a fairly large amount of effort to treat then like I treat everyone who goes ther that I don't know, and even some extra by avoiding being inside. Keep in mind through all of this that I had been told that if I felt it would be a personal issue that I simply should not let her in to start with.

There's a level of maturity that I require from people that want to interact with me. Until she starts displaying it, she remains written off.

Next please.

-J

FYI:

Mon, 18 Jun 2007 12:24:08 GMT

My phone is not currently working. If you have tried to get ahold of me since Friday morning, I simply didn't get the message. Apologies all around, and I'll let you know when it is working again. :)

-J

Theater??!!

Fri, 18 May 2007 01:56:39 GMT

If you had the option of showing a movie on the big screen for yourself and some friends, and could choose any movie on dvd what movie would you show?

(Yes, I'm serious. And yes, I'm going to.)

Albaturkey...

Wed, 07 Mar 2007 06:16:01 GMT

So. I moved to San Francisco 4 years ago. Completely spur of the moment thing, no planning, couldn't have done a worse job of it. Couldn't have been much better though, so I guess it's turned out ok. It all started when my brother got married and I came out here for the wedding. I expected to be here 2 days, and brought clothes and personal belongings fitting to that... I never left. I house-sat for them while they went on their honeymoon for 2 weeks, then couch-crashed until I could reasonably afford to move out. I moved in with mechagojira and childewolf. During the year and a half that we lived together I met some amazing people. Far too many to list on here since I realized that it's nearly half my friends list... Somewhere in there I met a girl previously known as CollapseyLamb and we moved in together. She moved out back in October and I have since then been living by myself until very recently when rabbitron moved into my living room. :) Lovely roommate by the way. Everyone seems surprised when I say that, but honestly I'd rather be living with him than any of the roommates I had back in Albuquerque.

So most of this is information that you all already know. Let's go back a few more years and I'll build you a decent depiction of what lead up to all of that.

About 9 years ago I moved out of my parents house. I was working at AOL at the time, was supporting myself reasonably well, and was just starting to date this girl named Katie (kirke013). I met Katie because one of my best friends (Jonnie) was fucking her roommate Andee. Jonnie, Andee, Katie, and myself were all out at coffee one night for the first time. Jonnie introduced me to Andee, who then introduced me to Katie. (Whom I found out 15 minutes later was the daughter of my 8th grade gifted teacher...) All 4 of us headed back to Katie and Andee's apartentment to watch a movie. Jonnie and Andee locked us out when they got there first and proceeded to scamper directly to the bedroom. This left Katie and I outside on a brisk April night. (It snows in April in Albuquerque.) She and ended up walking around a park near her apartment for like 4 hours trading compliments and testing each other's sense of humour by making rather lewd comments. Needless to say, we hit it off rather well. Cussed out Jonnie and Andee thoroughly when they finally let us in the apartment, despite the good time that she and I had been having. ;) I slept in her bed that night, and every night following for about 3 years. So when I moved out of my parents house, I moved in with Katie, our friend Justin, and our other friend Nick. Justin I have since then lost track of, but I'll catch you up on Nick in a moment. Jonnie and Andee ended up moving to Arizona and then breaking up. Both are married with children by other people now. Good for them. Nick I just saw over the weekend and is doing well. Katie was the one who stole my heart. Literally. I really don't think I've loved anyone as deeply and truly as I did her. I can say that because I still love her. She and I dated for almost 3 years to the day and then broke up due to mostly circumstances. Looking back on it now, neither of us can really remember why exactly we broke up.

There's one person reading this besides Katie who was there the entire time and knows all of this already. ogredrew, speak up if I get a detail wrong. :)

So after Katie and I broke up I was single. For a very long time. Until after I moved to San Francisco. She started seeing someone a few months after she and I broke up though. I was crushed. I cried. I listened to a lot of Jim Croce and Cruxshadows and didn't sleep much. Yeah, I messed myself up pretty good there for a while. I moved out here to San Francisco in June of 2004. She got married about the same time. Had a son on September 27th of 2005 named Tristan (yes, the day before my birthday). Got divorced not long after that. Long story that I'll let her tell if she feels like it.

It basically comes down to this: She never stopped loving me, nor I her. I'm not moving back to Albuquerque. She's not moving to San Francisco. Somehow, this is going to work. I refuse to be that fucking stupid and let her go again. Tristan has only just begun to affect my life. :)

She and I met about 9 years ago now, dated for the first three and then haven't seen each other for 5 except this last Saturday and Sunday. It amazes me still how things fall back into place when they're supposed to be there. Her son is adorable and I'll be sticking links up at some point to both of them. Coming also are all the pictures I took while in Albuquerque, as well as while driving a 26' truck across Arizona. I'm in Southern California right now and will be home tomorrow. I am happy to be going home, but I could be -so- much happier about it.

To those of you with delusions about how all my exes hate me, or how I'm universally the one being dumped: Go fuck yourself, I have enough friends to not have to work for you as one. To the family of mine who somehow decided to listen to my crazy ex about how I'm abusive: Go fuck yourself, I'll make a new family somewhere else. The least I would do for my family would be to hear their side of things before making a judgement call on their behavior. You can apologize, or we won't talk. The ball is in your court.

You know what you can do with that cut tag request? Yeah...

Yes, this journal entry is supposed to be public, there are people who read this that don't have livejournal accounts and would appreciate knowing all of this. Yes, the comments are supposed to be on. I always like knowing what my friends think of my inner turmoil. No, I'm not trolling nor asking for flames. If the people I just told to fuck off would like to comment, I'd appreciate it being in an e-mail or phone call instead.

Hilarious google ad of the day:

Wed, 28 Feb 2007 23:41:04 GMT

Sextastic Livejournal Com
Buy New & Used Goods on eBay Sextastic Livejournal Com for sale!
www.ebay.com

Fri, 23 Feb 2007 19:54:15 GMT

This morning in the early hours a man named Mike Hall died. He was an editor and columnist for the Albuquerque Journal for many years, loving father, husband, and someone who I would have liked to know better. I've known him for almost 15 years at varying levels.

He is already missed.

-Jay

And another

Fri, 16 Feb 2007 00:37:16 GMT

Second random picture of the day... this is what happens when I'm bored at work.

Thu, 18 Jan 2007 05:19:39 GMT

I've just discovered that I have shared clothes with a couple people:
John Adams?!
Wil Wheaton?!

Is there anyone else that I've shared this particular item of clothing with that I'm not aware of yet?

Mon, 15 Jan 2007 21:53:13 GMT

And there's the photo:

That's all folks, thanks for playing.

_X

Halloween

Mon, 13 Nov 2006 23:54:50 GMT

Did finally get ahold of a picture of me from the Halloween bash at DNA. Here's me, in all my bloody gore and glory.

Photo courtesy of: Neil Girling over at theblight.net.

Mon, 06 Nov 2006 05:38:18 GMT

At dna... damn. This reminds me how much I actually dislike cookie-monster rock.

Mon, 09 Oct 2006 22:25:48 GMT

To those of you that haven't heard by reading the drama over on Laurel's Journal, we have broken up.

I'd like to state for the record that I am sorry it has come to this. I love her dearly and will for a long, long time. I hope she doesn't hate me too much, though at the moment I can't tell. She hasn't talked to me since Thursday without yelling so I honestly don't know what's going through her head. I don't know what was going through her head when she went and talked to my ex. If she feels that she is better off now, then I wish her well.

We have lots to work out in terms of getting our apartment sorted out and the PG&E bill transferred to me solely, not to mention the very lonely kitten in my lap purring up a storm.

I wish I could just dismiss this "damn, I keep going out with the same psycho women..." but this is nothing of the sort. Laurel and I have had some wonderful times over the last year and a half, we simply grew apart and stopped communicating. If things with Corey had been like this, I'd probably still call her a friend. I know I'd like to call Laurel a friend a few months from now. I just wish she could talk to me rationally enough to tell me what she wants.

I hope that the healing begins before anything else for her.

And on my side of things, I'm going to take a cue from swinger_kitten and simply stop dating. Maybe there really isn't anything to be afraid of just because I can't hold down a stable relationship. It's possible that I am simply meant to be single the rest of my life and make my happiness elsewhere. That thought scares me, but I have to admit it's a possibility... and at this stage, a rather probable one. I've been at this sort of point before. After Katie and I broke up after 3 years I was single for 3 years. I don't mean "I only kissed people and slept with them pointlessly." I mean I was single. It wasn't the best point in my life, but far from the worst. I'll go that route for a while. Years probably.

I hope that Laurel takes something good out of the last year and a half. I know I will. And I'll miss you in my life.

Goodnight, and good luck.
-Jay

Thu, 05 Oct 2006 04:08:56 GMT

And tonight we dealt with a stupid customer billing issue with the place where we adopted the k1tt3ns from. They failed to send us a bill for something that they were going to pay for, and then sent us to collections for it...

We complained, they apologized profusely, and tomorrow morning they are going to deal with the collections agency.

I'm redoing the website at work, it's coming along nicely. I think I'm going to do it in CSS instead of tables. Stupid MSIE compatibility bullshit. Oh well. It works just fine as tables in firefox, netscape, safari, opera, etc. IE is just fucking broken. Again, Oh well. I'll redo it in CSS and add some dhtml menu something or other to make my VP happy about it. I can't show it to you because I'm the only web designer on the payroll, and as such I'm not going to show you my mistakes before I have a chance to finish testing everything and can launch it with some sort of feeling of comfort in you all knowing where I work. ;)

Not much else new... Ren Faire is almsot over, there's only 2 weeks left for those of you into that sort of thing: www.norcalrenfaire.com is where you can find info and directions and such. I'd love to see some more of you down there. I'm at the "Big Swing". Trust me, you don't need to know what it is to be able to find it.

Who still reads me?

Who wishes I wrote more?

Who is glad I finally stopped raving about inconsequential shit?

_X

Sun, 09 Jul 2006 19:30:45 GMT

And then there were two:

The AIDS Walk

Fri, 07 Jul 2006 18:49:31 GMT

So the San Francisco Annual AIDS Walk is coming up in a week or so. Like many people in my generation, I know someone who has AIDS. My life has been affected by the epidemic. I am walking the AIDS Walk as part of the SF Goth team of walkers in an attempt to raise funds that go towards AIDS research and awareness. If you have it in your hearts to help this cause, you can donate directly in my name and help me reach our fundraising goal. My donation page is here

If that link doesn't work for you, you can go to http://www.aidswalk.net/sanfran/ and click on "Sponsor a Walker" on the left hand side. Type in my first and last name and Viola!

Even if you don't know someone who has AIDS or HIV, given that statistics currently state that 1 in 4 people who have AIDS don't even know it themselves. I'm not going to give lots of numbers, or statistics that might be out of date, or other fairly pointless data. I am going to just ask you to keep this in mind over the next week. If you find that you have an extra $1, $10, $100, whatever. Help a good cause.

Thank you,
Jay Sittler

His name is Athos.

Fri, 23 Jun 2006 14:27:20 GMT

And so he has claws. ;) That's Laurel's hand.

And now you can see his size compared to my hand...